


Impersonating Yourself

by Eclipi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Character Study, Depression, F/F, F/M, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Epilogue Compliant, Plot, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22288276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eclipi/pseuds/Eclipi
Summary: A young man stands on the edge between dreams and void. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of April, 20xx, is this young man's twenty third birthday. Though it was ten years ago that he started his adventure with his friends, it is only today that he will finish it.-------A young man is sleeping in his apartment. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of April, 20xx, was this young man's twenty third birthday. Though it was five hours ago he celebrated his birthday, it is only now that he will get a surprise planned for him for the last ten years.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Hand of a Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> I am a pretty imaginative person and I come up with all sorts of ideas for stories but never write them down. I recently decided I should at least try and get some of them out there so this is one of the first because fanfiction felt like a safe place to start. I hope you like it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your name is John Egbert, and you are very tired.

A young man stands on the edge between dreams and void. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of April, 20xx, is this young man's twenty third birthday. Though it was ten years ago that he started his adventure with his friends, it is only today that he will finish it. 

What is his name?

Your name is John Egbert, and you are very tired. Your eyes meet the demon who you heard about when you were sixteen. You didn't understand him then and you still don't understand him now. He doesn't seem scary or life-threatening, just silly. You were once told by Vriska in a dream that he was responsible for all your and your friend's problems. That all the bad stuff that happened to you and your friends when you were thirteen was his fault. You were told this, but you don't remember him being the one to kill your father. 

Looking at Lord English makes you want to laugh. You want to laugh at his dumb muscles, and skull head. You want to laugh about his cue ball eyes. You want to laugh about his stupid clothes that remind you of a clown. Looking at this demonic creature you don't see a multiverse destroyer. Looking at him you see a crazy alien teen's OC. Which if you think about it, is in fact what he is. This creature is the combination of four dead people's dreams come to life into one terrible monstrosity. 

You would laugh at him but your not sure you have the energy. Your routine for the last seven years hasn't gifted you with an excess of energy. Every day you would wake up sometime in the afternoon. You would eat garbage cereal while looking at the news. After, you would watch TV once you dumped what was left of your cereal when it got soggy. It didn't have to be TV really, it was more about the noise and the meaningless subjects than anything. Sometimes you would go online and watch videos instead or read rules for board games you don't own. Then around ten o'clock you would order food from a local shop and eat dinner alone. Finally, you would look at cat videos and memes until you fell asleep at around four in the morning.

You would do this every day with some to little variation. Some days you would pay bills. Others you might go for a quick walk. But all of these days had one thing in common. Apathy, you would approach every day with a deep void holding your soul. To you, that void was better than the alternative.

Behind you, there is the sound of the ground being moved as the three other people with you take fighting stances. You turn your head to look at them. To your right is Dave, someone who used to be your best friend. You haven't talked to him in four years. The last time you did was when he called you to ask if you wanted to come to some kind of show. You told him no and that you were busy. He said okay, and that he would take Jade instead. 

You turn your head away from him and look at Rose. Her hair is cut differently than it was the last time you saw her. Your not sure when she got it styled that way. It could have been anytime in the last seven years honestly. You never really talked to her since the game ended. The last time you had a full conversation was during her wedding. You asked her if she wished her mother could be here. She told you, yes but then mentioned that her mother probably would joke that eighteen was too young. She then asked if you missed your father. You told her yes, then said you were going to get more punch but you didn't get punch instead you walked out to the balcony and flew home. 

You notice Jade is looking at you. Of all your friends Jade is the one that still sends you messages. One on Christmas, and one on your birthday. You never respond to them, because you still don't know how to apologize for your twenty-first birthday. She came over, you both drank for the first time. You complained about how no one visits anymore. She said that it's because you never seem happy when they come over. You got mad for no reason and yelled at her, told her you never wanted to talk to her again. She left and you cried yourself to sleep holding a group photo taken when everyone first got it Earth C.

You give her what you imagine to be a reassuring expression. Then turn your gaze back to Lord English who is making the first attack. It's a sort of beam of light. Everyone dodges out of the way as fast as they can. You end up to the left of English with Jade, while Rose and Dave are to the right. Dave rushes forward with his sword while Jade and Rose start shooting at him with bullets and magic respectively. You dodge the few punches Lord English tries to get on you. Your fighting stance is half-hearted, but you try your best not to get killed.

You end up in front of English and get a good look at your friends. Rose is now floating in the air shooting bolts of lightning, Jade is trying to take shots at his head and Dave is at his feet swing his sword with precision. Looking at them you have a realization you should've had this morning when seven people and a bird/cat person knocked on your door. You really don't know these people anymore. They are all strangers.

You also realize that now is a bad time to be lost in thought as Lord English takes your moment of distraction to try and get a hit on you. The beam of pure light is four cm from your head when you turn into wind. Your body re-materializes nearby and you tighten your grip on your hammer and swing for the head. This is somehow the first strike that seems to faze the demon. He looks shocked that you hit him. 

Then he slaps you into the ground like a volleyball.

Pain is everything you know for a good few minutes as you lay there in the ground soaking it up. You’re pretty dazed when you get up and bring yourself mentally and physically back to the fight. Lord English has put a huge hole through Rose's gut and she is yelping in pain. Jade teleports next to her, grabs her arm, and teleports somewhere else. Dave is cursing and swinging his sword at Lord English. Every precise sharp hit he makes seems to just make Lord English do his equivalent of a giggle. Well at least you don't think the sound Lord English is making has to do with pain.

You watch the demonic creature flick Dave away as if he were a bug. He turns back to you. This demon is smiling now, he thinks he won. You look into his eyes. They might have scared you once, now they just make your eyes hurt. You have nothing to fear from death. Your life has been without your father, without your friends, and without joy. Apathy is your only companion now and together you will welcome death. 

You look over and see Dave grunting in pain as he slowly gets up. You see him there and start to think about the life he has with Karkat. You think about the people you once called friends and the lives they live. The people that will miss them if they are gone.

You might welcome death, but they should not. They should be able to go home after this, after everything. Your home is long gone, left behind on LOWAS.

You rush forward, one foot in front of the other. Running with speed you didn't know you had anymore. Speed gifted to you by god-tier all those years ago. You dodge under the beams of multicolored light made from the pure will of this demon. You dig your feet into the ground and jump up onto Lord English's shoulders.

You grab his suspenders with one hand, with Zillyhoo in the other, and your feet planted on his chest. You open your mouth and look for the right words to say before you either die or win. You don't find anything noteworthy or interesting sitting around in your head so you just say the first thing that comes to mind.

"Go to hell you overgrown snake!" 

He looks at you with shine in his eyes and speaks. You really want to laugh again. His voice is the exact same as Caliborn's was when you had that fistfight all those years ago.

"You can't kill me, I am beyond death, beyond creation. I make the rules now." 

You narrow your eyes, tighten your grip on Zillyhoo, and clear your throat. This time you try harder for what you think might just be your last words.

"Who the fuck said I cared about the rules?"

Then with all your loneliness, contempt, and apathy, you strike Lord English square in the head.

A flash of light hits your eyes. You scream but cannot hear it. A taste like that of mint mixed with electricity fills your mouth. Somewhere in the distance, you hear chimes on the breeze. 

You feel all of reality pour through this moment. Then you feel all of reality pull away. Your last thought is 'ya those were some pretty noteworthy last words'. Then you hit the ground.

…

…

…

You open your eyes to a humming noise coming in pulses. You pull yourself up grunting in pain. Around you, the world has gone to shit. The ground is crumbling as atoms turn to nothing. Gravity is going in reverse and time is having a heart attack. In the distance, you can see the black hole made by Calliope. It's turning in reverse now, and parts of it are fading. In front of you where English was standing just a moment ago, is a hole in time and space outlined in red wire. You don't think you made it, but you also don't think he did. 

You look through the hole into nothing. You are instantly reminded of your feelings these last seven years. Nothing with a little bit of everything sprinkled around it. This nothing is stronger than even the void. The void where the horror terrors sleep is a lack of light, truth, and direction. This is a lack of anything, no element claims it. It calls to you, tells you to come find peace within its expanse. You take a step forward. Behind you, someone shouts your name. 

You turn from the hole to face Dave. He is holding onto Jade, who is holding onto Rose. Jade is trying to stabilize her as she is still bleeding heavily from the hole in her gut. Dave is the only one looking at you. He seems very concerned, and very scared. Dave opens his mouth slowly like he is trying is hardest to think through this situation.

"Come on bro, back away from the death portal you just made." Oh so maybe you did make it. You didn't think you did, but you guess you might have. Then again Dave might just be guessing.

"Here man just take my hand, Jade can try and teleport us out of here, then we go find the others." Dave holds up his hand for you to take. "Please," he asks like it is the only thing he wants in the world. His hand is sweaty and full of scratches. You think about grabbing it letting him pull you back into your old group of friends, going back to Earth C, and celebrating your victory. Then you suddenly flashback to a talk with your father when you were eight and in your confused state, it becomes the most important conversation you have ever had. You shouldn't let strangers take you places. 

You turn back to the hole in time and space, take a breath and walk through it. 

\--------

A young man is sleeping in his apartment. It just so happens that today, the thirteenth of April, 20xx, was this young man's twenty-third birthday. Though it was five hours ago he celebrated his birthday, it is only now that he will get a surprise planned for him for the last ten years. 

What is his name?

Your name is John Egbert, and you are very tired. You don't mean that in a mental sense more of a physical one. It has been a particularly long and frustrating day. You've gone from a work shift that didn't seem to want to end to a quiet and lonely celebration at home.

You bought a small cake from the bakery near your office. It was a good cake but it only reminded you that your father couldn't make it today. Adding to this the way you ate it alone in your kitchen reminded you that none of your friends could make it. 

Dave did make you a nice video though.

You watched it while cooking dinner. It was a remix of the piano song your father taught you. The lovely melody was mixed to air horns, train sounds, breaking glass cups, and a voice snippet of you saying 'don't film me'. At the end of the video, there was a short message saying how much he appreciated you and that he wished he could make it up. It was all very Dave.

You are half-asleep in bed now. On the edge between dreams and thoughts. The weekend will come when you wake up and from there you can visit Dave in person. You might even take the rail down to Tacoma to visit Jade. 

When you were a kid you felt like everything you loved was so far away from you. Nowadays it's all kept so tight into one state. When you think about it your missing one person from your life nowadays.

Your half dreams half-thoughts are interrupted by a thump coming from the living room. Your brain begins the slow process of waking up. 

The first tired thought you have is that Dave tripped on his way to the kitchen. This is quickly crossed off when you remember that Dave moved out last fall to be closer to his college of choice.

You then start wondering if maybe something fell over. But the noise didn't sound like an object it sounded like a person.

A person.

A person in your apartment.

A person in your apartment that is locked.

…

Fuck, are you being robbed?

You are suddenly very awake. You hold your breath and listen for footsteps. You count to 413 and can't hear anyone moving during that time frame. You don't yet cross off a break in yet though. Perhaps the thief is both very quiet and very clumsy. Sort of like Dave. 

Well shit maybe option one was correct and it is Dave. Knowing him he definitely could have broken into your apartment to wish you a happy birthday. That would be nice, but you aren't convinced by that possibility yet.

You flip over in bed and freeze. You might have just broken the record for stillness. It is possible that even your blood has stopped moving. You realize, after tightness in your chest has formed, that you are not breathing. You try and remember how to breathe but you really can't. After a few moments of eternity, instinct kicks in and you begin to take jagged quiet breaths.

There is something in your room. Right in the middle only a few feet from your bed.

It's barely illuminated by the light from your window. Whatever it is it's too small to be a person. Well, it could be a toddler you guess but even then it's still small.

You study whatever it is as much as you can in the dim moonlight. It's wearing clothes that hang limply around its body. It's arms and legs hang loosely as if it were floating. Its eyes are hidden by darkness, but the prickles down your neck tell you that it is looking at you. You begin to count your breaths to calm you down.

As you count you note that it is very still, whatever it is. You don't even think it's breathing. Maybe it's not alive? This thought makes you nervous again because if it's not alive how did it get in your bedroom? 

After a bit of time passes you begin to calm down a bit as it still hasn't moved. Your eyes start to ich so you blink.

When you open your eyes after only milliseconds of them being closed. It is no longer in the middle of your room, it is right upon you. You look into blue glass eyes and suddenly you cannot think anymore.

It feels like something is burrowing into your skull. You want to scream it hurts so bad. Yet you can't move your mouth, you can't move anything. You want to slap this thing away from your face or turn your head, but your limbs are stiff and cold. Oh, you are so cold. Why are.. you so cold? You feel your… limbs get stiffer by the... minute. What is… happening… to you? Your…. mind… feels…  
like… molasses.  
Everything…  
Feels…. so...  
cold… so 

painful…

\-----

You are awakened by a phone ringing.

You wish someone would answer it so you could go back to sleep. But after a while, you realize that no one is going to answer it, except you, because that's your ringtone. You haven't heard it in about three years. 

You open your eyes and try and figure out where you are. This isn't the battlefield with Lord English. It's an apartment. The walls are painted blue and the furniture is rustic but not old. It looks exactly like what you would want if you had an apartment. 

You stop for a minute, the cell phone can wait. How did you get here? You don't remember nicely designed apartments being in the fight plan for Lord English. Then again neither was getting the team split up. Half getting sucked into a box to fight future Lord English rather than the little version of himself. 

What was the last thing you were doing?

Well, you were fighting Lord English. You smacked him really hard in the head. Some crazy stuff happened with mint and chimes. Then everything was falling apart. Then you… you… you… hmmm. Shit. You think you might have just attempted to commit suicide. 

At least that's what you thought you were doing. You guess. You weren't in the best state of mind, haven't been in the best state of mind. Then suddenly some hole in reality is offering you peace. You might have been at a very bad breaking point at a very bad time. This might be an understatement as committing suicide is usually considered a bit more than bad. 

You are not totally sure how you got this bad. You guess it was a mixture of loneliness and apathy. Suicide isn't something you were thinking about doing, but then the offer came to you and you didn't know how to turn it down. Dave tried to stop you, that is something you remember clearly. The look on his face is plastered to your mind. He looked so concerned, so lost, and maybe a bit guilty. A part of you that you hate thinks he should be guilty, loneliness is what got you here wasn't it? Although Dave wasn't the only one responsible, you pushed them away as much as they pushed you away.

You wonder if you can somehow apologize to Dave from the afterlife. Wait. Is this the afterlife? It might not be because it doesn't look very afterlifey. Just kinda normal lifey. Memories of watching Ghostbusters come to mind and you wonder if you’re a ghost. That would be cool you think. You could go around and haunt someone. Get into all kinds of wacky shenanigans. 

You get up off the ground and decide to try and do something you have always wanted to do. You look around the room and find a nice flat wall next to a door which seems to lead to a bedroom. You ready yourself as much as you can. Then you take a running start towards the wall. Your smiling as the wall is seconds away. You aren't smiling when you are on the ground a second later groaning in pain.

You lay there for a bit clutching your head. The pain is bad, you want to say it is worse than when Lord English volleyball spiked you into the ground but that would be a lie. You pick yourself up after a bit, though you’re still holding your head. You take a look at the huge head-shaped gash you put in the wall. The wall you had been hoping to phase through. You take a look at your hands again and process that they are in fact solid. Nope, your hands aren't even a bit ghostly. Well then, guess you aren't dead.

When you think about it you’re pretty glad you aren't dead. You were thinking that the hole would kill you. But you guess maybe that's not what it meant when it offered peace. Maybe this nice apartment is the peace the magic hole in reality was talking about. 

The annoying ringtone you set is definitely not peaceful you think as your phone starts ringing again. You guess whoever is calling really wants to get ahold of you. Deciding that figuring out how fucked up it is that you just tried to kill yourself can wait you take a look around for the phone.

The apartment is even nicer from a standing position. It's four rooms, the one you're standing in now seems to be the largest with it being split into a living room kitchen, and dining room. Three of the rooms look to be bedrooms, and finally, there is a small bathroom. You find your phone sitting on the dining room table. The contact calling you is named 'bread snake'. You have no idea who that is.

You hit except call and try your best, "Hello?"

A voice suddenly pours from the speaker "Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

Oh. It's Dave. That's good you can apologize to him for attempting to commit suicide in front of him.

After a bunch more 'yy's added to his greeting he pauses awkwardly.

"Are you not going to do it back?" He asks like he is suddenly embarrassed."Because it's real rude to leave a dude hanging on this greeting shit you started man." 

Your face crunches up in confusion and a bit of concern. You ask "Do what back?" because you really don't know what he is talking about.

"You know the thing we have been doing the last week or so where we pick up phone calls and just go eyyyy until one of us runs out of breath?" He says the whole sentence quickly and plainly as if you should know this and that explaining it is embarrassing.

You don't know what he's talking about. You haven't had a phone call with Dave in almost 6 years. He called you on accidentally while making dinner for himself and Karkat. You talked about hanging out maybe then didn't speak to him again for 4 months.

"Dave I don't know what you mean. I have never started a conversation with 'eyyy' in my life." You say it with confidence like it is the only thing you really understand right now, because it is. 

"Ahhhh got it I see how it is. I guess I lost this prankster's Gambit." You want to protest that you aren't joking but he keeps going. "Well, I was just calling you to wish you a happy birthday, again. Because I know you are super bummed that I couldn't show up and sing you happy birthday in this amazing sultry voice of mine. I hope the video was sufficient trade though. I put time, sweat, tears, and other bodily fluids into that masterpiece. I sacrificed the time I don't have for that little three minutes of pure Bliss. It would be a fucking travesty if you didn't like it."

You don't know what he is talking about, so you just say. "Time isn't a bodily fluid Dave." Because honestly your brain only processed part of what Dave just said.

He scoffs. "How do you know? I have been changed by college John. Things are coming out of my body that I didn't even know existed."

"Gross." You comment back. You really don't know what this conversation is. You don't think Dave was in college, or ever went. 

"Ya, it's real gross man. Be glad I ain't living with you anymore because there would be all of my mysterious fluids all over the place. Actually, cross that out, we both know that that one went too far. Ok? Ok." He pauses on the other end of the phone. You guess he is waiting for you to say something back but you are just really not following. When did Dave ever live with you? After a while, Dave clears his throat and asks "Hey man, your feeling alright.. right?"

Considering you just killed a time god, you would say your physically okay. "Umm ya. No bodily harm." 

"Wow my dude, don't even joke about that. Like holy shit, not a funny joke. My metaphor was gross but that is real fucking dark man. Not appreciated." He pauses for a while. "Well alright man if you say you’re fine. Anyway, I am on the rail right now. I am going to visit Jade and because I know her she is going to want me to wish you a happy birthday. So because I am psychic and shit I am just going to tell you now. Jade wishes you a happy birthday."

You don't really know what to say to that. You didn't know that Dave goes to hang out with Jade, but you guess that makes sense. They were always close. You're a bit saddened that Jade isn't willing to just text you that anymore. You tell him "Oh. Tell her I said thanks." while trying to hide your disappointment.

"Ya man I will do, and hey I know I didn't get to see you for your birthday, but I am not busy on Sunday. How about I come down for a visit? We can watch movies and shit like we used to. Consider it birthday gift number two. Me I am the gift. Because what better gift is there except the coolest strider? Nothing is the answer to that question, there is nothing better." He asks you this like that whole question is unimportant. As if people come and visit you. As if you two talk at all anymore. You don't know what the hole did, but suddenly nothing makes sense. 

You realize you need to answer him. Your not sure what to say. You don't want to inconvenience him, but at the same time having him over might be nice. Also, he doesn't make it sound like it's that much of an inconvenience to him. Really though your still unsure, what if it's awkward? You start thinking about all the loneliness that you have experienced in the last seven years. The loneliness that pulls you into an ocean of apathy that drowns out anything that tries to hurt you. You make your decision and blurt out "Ya that would be great" a bit faster than you would like. 

Dave does a quick chuckle scoff mixture before replying. "Alright man, I will see you then. Anyway, I'ma get off the phone now, people are staring at me like I am a loud annoying Texan. Probably because I am. Ya, look at em all staring at me and shit, thinking 'oh my what is this incredibly handsome and loud southern ninja gentleman doing on the phone? I hope he will get off so we can have lots of smooches.' That's what they're thinking John all of em, even the ones that aren't into guys. "

You snort at Dave and all his Dave antics. "Smooches Dave? What are you six?"

He huffs at your jab. "I don't know John maybe I am. Maybe this is that one movie you made me watch where the kid becomes an adult because he wishes real hard, then some lady fucks him. It's that John but in like reverse, and also hopefully no one will fuck six year old me cuz that would be gross. It's the opposite of that movie John. What the fuck was it called 'Large'? Nah that ain't right. My six-year-old brain can't remember John. I have been cursed John and you laugh. Anyway, I do really need to get off the phone. People are staring now."

You still don't know what is going on. This is strange. Maybe you are dead. You guess the afterlife could be a nice apartment. Dave would probably know so you decide to ask.

"Dave?"

"Ya?"

"We aren't dead right now right?"

"What."

Well, that isn't what you're looking for.

You try again with more tack. 

"It's just a really strange morning Dave, and I am not really sure what's going on."

He pauses for a while. "Uhhh, no I don't think we are. At least I really hope not I got a math test on Thursday that I have been studying for. So being dead would mean all that work is wasted. Which would suck."

Alright then, you can definitely cross dead of the lists of things the hole did to you. You pretty sure that makes whatever this is way more complicated though.

"Well, I guess you just got to check every so often." You say back to him.

He laughs for a moment. "Ya man, you never know. I mean whos to say… wait no that's a rant. I am going to rant again John because of your question and I need to get off the phone. So before I start ranting again I am going to end this conversation. Talk to you later."

"Alright, goodbye Dave see you on Sunday."  
You hit end call. Realizing you didn't apologize for attempting to commit suicide in front of him, you give yourself a little smack in the head. When you think about it though your not sure how Dave would have reacted to that. He seemed pretty off from what he is usually like nowadays. 

You really don't know or understand anything that is happening, but you are still super grateful. You haven’t had a conversation like that with Dave since you were thirteen.

You put the phone in your sylladex and walk over to a window. Hoping to get some answers as to where you are you open the window and poke your head out. 

You notice first the way the breeze smells. On Earth C it always smelled sweet, like someone was pumping powdered sugar into the air (from what you know of Jane you wouldn't be surprised), but here it smells solid, like steel, and dirt, and fish, and home. 

It smells real.  
You like it a lot.

The second thing you notice is that you’re looking out into Earth-One Seattle.


	2. Shade, Cotton, and Felt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's this really cool dude, ok? He's sitting on a train heading to Tacoma being all chill like cool dudes are known to do sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look ma, not dead!

There's this really cool dude, ok? He's sitting on a train heading to Tacoma being all chill like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a really cool name. A name so cool you probably already know it. Which is great for him, as he's way too busy to be telling it to people. Busy being totally sweet.

What is his name?

Your name is Dave Strider. Currently, it is a nice April day and you are headed to visit your friend Jade down in Tacoma. You will be in the city soon and from there you will need to get an Uber. For now, though you're sitting somewhat calmly in your seat trying your best not to go crazy from having to stay still. Your best is of course bouncing your right leg and tapping your left in a sort of two instrument beat. A handful of the people around you are obviously annoyed, but you don't care right now the nervous energy buzzing through you is too much. This energy has only gotten worse since you got off the phone.

You have been best friends with John since you were little. You and him have gone through a lot. In your darkest times, he helped you, even if he didn't always realize he was doing it all the time. You did your best to help him when he needed it. You could never do much but give him your time and attention. It always seemed to help even if you felt like you should be able to do more. You realize now that your time was the best you could give to him, to anyone. 

You would describe yourself as a fairly observant person. It's a trait you picked growing up in the environment you did. You had to keep a keen eye out while also pretending you hadn't noticed anything. In that conversation with John, you observed a few things that had nearly doubled your nervous energy. The two that stood out to you the most was that his tone was deflated and that he spoke less than he usually does. This isn't the first time you have heard him talk like that. Which is really what disturbs you the most. You recognize it from his sophomore year of college. 

In the short time living with him you watched the ray of sunshine you called a best friend transform into nothing but an abyss of apathy and depression. The worst part about the whole thing was that he always acted like it wasn't important. Like he wasn't important. As if he could just disappear and no one would even blink. It hurt to think he cared for himself so little. You did your best, you gave him all the time you could. Tried to get him to people that could help him. It took a long time but he came back from the brink. 

You're racking your brain trying to figure out what changed. Why is he acting like this again? How did he so quickly falter in the time you weren't looking? Or maybe that isn't what matters, maybe you were looking and just not paying attention? You know that you aren't responsible for John's mental health but you still feel obligated to get him back on his feet. 

There isn't much you can do until Sunday. Then you can see if he is actually okay. Plus you'll get to spend some time with him. That is probably all you can give to help, even if you should be writing a paper on Sunday. As you think about it the more you realize there is something you can do to help from here. 

You pull out your phone again and go into your contacts. There are only a few people and most of them are teachers or people you have to talk to. A small chunk of them are people you would consider 'acquaintances' and the final few are people you call friends. As much as John has told you that expanding your friend groups is a good thing you know that you got to keep the number of people that know about you on the down-low.

Then you see the contact you're looking for, a contact that just says “Mr. Egbert”. You don’t know the man very well but you have his number in case of emergencies. You consider this an emergency as you open up a text message and start writing.

A small chunk of time passes and soon after you hit send you hear the screech of the train's brakes. You look up and see the black panel on the wall being lit up in red with the word Tacoma. This, of course, means you are at your stop. You exit the train in a smooth motion and head into the station. It's loud as usual. People around you start entering the train. A few people are hanging around the map in the corner trying to find out if this is in fact the train they want. The people who just exited the train head for the doors and you follow. You get through the back entrance, walk a bit down the street and find a silver medium-sized car parked. The door is open and who you guess is the owner is standing next to it. He looks at you and asks in a low and professional voice "are you, Dave Strider?"

"That depends on if you're the Uber I ordered." You ask in a joking but still polite voice. 

He gives you a nod and you get into the back of his car as he gets in as well. He turns on an indie playlist with his phone then pulls out of his parking space. The drive is about 25 minutes from the station due to traffic. The entire ride he doesn't talk to you so you give him five stars on the app. During the ride, you look at your phone and make a shortlist of things you will need to do when you get home. It's a mix of work stuff and school stuff but you sprinkle in -eating- and -sleeping- in case you forget. Before you know it (that's a lie it was exactly 0:00:00:27:26:41) your Uber is pulling into a simple gray and black complex. 

You open the car door and step out onto the curb. You turn and thank the driver and he gives you a nod back. You give the door a push shutting it again and the driver is gone shortly after. You turn to the building complex behind you. The whole place looks overly white and clean to you. Like someone smiling too wide at you with nothing behind eyes. With your experience, you have met a few people like that and mostly in bad places. That doesn’t matter though this is where you need to go if you want to see Jade. Outside on a sign made out of wood is written 'Tacoma Psychiatric Care'. 

You stare at the sign for a bit before moving from the curb towards the complex doors.

\--------

Alright well, this makes things way more complicated. At least in your mind. You step away from the window and walk back into the dining area. 

So, what exactly is going on here? You're pretty sure you crossed the afterlife off the list of places you could be but it is still possible that you are dead and the afterlife is set up in such a way that it just looks like you're alive. On the other hand, maybe you got teleported into another reality? It's definitely possible but if that’s true then where is our alternate self? Is he out getting groceries, maybe went for a walk in the park, or maybe he is still asleep in this very apartment? 

You do a quick check around the apartment, the first room you check is empty except for a few boxes sitting on the floor and what looks to be a half-built bed frame. You're not quite sure what this all is but you decide it probably isn’t important right now. The second room is lived in, most likely from what you can gather by yourself. A single bed, a dresser, and a small desk with a laptop on it. You find when there is actual stuff in these rooms they are much smaller. You note the lack of an alternate version of yourself and close the door. 

Finding yourself back at square one, you go over to the table, pull out a chair, and sit down. The big question is if or when you meet this other version of yourself, what are you going to say to him? 'Oh hey there it’s me, another you from another universe, you mind if I crash here for a while?' You don’t think that's going to fly, especially if Sburb never happened, which you're pretty sure it didn’t. This line of thinking opens up a whole other box of questions like how this reality is being maintained, or how they got out of playing Sburb. Was it an active choice or did it just happen by chance? Also, are there trolls here? Because if your Sburb session never happened what was stopping them from claiming Earth as their new home as they intended.

This makes your head feel like it’s spinning. You take a deep breath and let the questions settle. You realize that you're kinda happy, it feels like you have something to do again. Back on Earth C nothing ever felt like it mattered you never felt like you had found yourself a purpose. Now though, stuff is happening, gears are turning, and a purpose has been handed to you. You're not sure what that purpose is but you can feel it. It’s almost like entering Sburb again for the first time. This is, actually probably a bad thing now that you think about it. 

Your thought process is stopped by the sound of the other you’s phone ringing again. You wonder if you should be picking up the phone for him, but you guess it wouldn’t hurt. It’s interesting though that across both universes, timelines, or whatever that both versions of yourself picked the same ringtone. More importantly than that if the other you isn't in the apartment why didn’t he take his… Fuck.

Fuck.

FUCK, FUCk, FuCk, Shit, Fuck.

You aren’t ready for this, fuck you didn’t even think about this, and now that you are you don’t know what to think. It is so fucking obvious that this would happen if there was no Sburb. Even if it makes sense though you are not fucking ready for this. 

The contact that comes up on the phone is one simple word “Dad” and it adds a whole new layer of unpreparedness to this situation. 

You… you just don’t know what to do.

So you pick up the call.

Your voice is quiet and a little bit cracked as you say, “dad?”

“John, I know it’s a bit out of the blue but I thought I would give you a call this afternoon.” His voice is warm and homely with just a little bit of dryness from smoking. It’s just like you remember back so long ago. You are filled with such a great sense of sadness, jow, guilt, and longing that you feel as if you were knocked off your feet.

You don’t know how long it is before you hear him ask, “John? Are you their son?”

You find it in yourself to answer back, “Ya, I am dad, I just… I miss you so much, dad. And I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

“John, I miss you too. If I had known this would happen I would have cleared my schedule to come down and see you for your birthday. You sound quite awful if I do say so myself. Did something happen since I last talked to you yesterday?” You want to tell him. You want to tell him everything, of all the things that have happened to you in the last 10 years. You want to talk about the pains and joys of Sburb, of all the battles you had without him, of the people you met, of the things you had done. You want to tell him all of this, but you can’t. He wouldn’t understand, you barely understand.

So instead you tell him something else, “Ya dad I just… I just had a bad dream last night. I really bad one.” You think about leaving it at that but you know you can’t anymore. You need to let it out, so you add, “do you mind if I tell you about it?”

“Of course son, if it really was so bad that might help you out some. You might be an adult, and I might be an old man but I still have time for you, son.” Then he chuckles and you are nine years old again sitting in the kitchen watching him bake. The small laugh alone is enough to make you feel safe and at home. Something you haven’t felt in years.

“Alright, so umm I don’t know quite where to begin with this it was a long dream.” You pause for a minute so that you can figure out what exactly you're trying to say. “Ok in the dream I am heading into this storm made of darkness, I am looking for this castle in the center of the storm. I um,” you gasp for breath but don't feel like you take any in, “Is this making any sense?”

“Well, you haven’t said anything that’s lost on me too much yet son. Keep going, you're doing great.” His voice allows you to find your air again.

“Ok so, I find this castle in the center of the storm. It’s this big imposing thing, and I feel pretty small against it, but I don't see any reason to be afraid, so I go inside. Inside the castle are these sort of chess people, they’re running around as if they are going to have their heads cut off. I try and talk to them but they seem scared. I brush it off and start looking through the castle. I am looking for you by the way, did I forget to mention that?” You feel like you're talking too fast, but you don’t know how to stop.

His answer comes back through the phone, “You did forget, but that's fine. You have me interested in the dream now John, keep going.”

His reassurance opens up the floodgates that are your mouth again. “Ok I am looking through this castle when suddenly I find my friend Rose, but not really. She is all gray with white eyes and I can’t understand what she is saying. It’s kinda odd and she seems really frustrated that she can’t communicate with me. But I am able to get out of her that she knows where you are.” You pause for breath, your mouth feels cracked and dry.

“So I start following her, and while we go along I start rambling very nervously. Because all of this is pretty odd, and we also start passing those chess guys from before again, but now they're all dead. So now I am worried that there might be some kind of monster in the castle. We keep walking along and soon we start going up this long staircase that never seems to end, and when we umm…. when I reach the top.” Suddenly this is feeling real, almost like you're there again. You guess maybe it’s because you still are. A piece of you got stuck there and hasn’t been able to leave since. 

You think maybe it’s time that part of you was given a way out. You breathe and keep going, “When me and Rose reach the top, there are two dead bodies. These aren't chess people though, they're human people. One is Rose’s mom and the other is, um well, it’s you.” Fuck dammit you don’t want to do this anymore, but you are in too deep already. “Standing over your corpse is this big black dog covered in your blood. I can’t even process what is in front of me before I am getting ready to fight this dog. I get my hammer out and I am going to kill it, just like it killed you, but next thing I know it’s behind me, and my body joins the pile.”

You're there again, on that day with a blade through your stomach dying next to your father’s corpse. It hurts so much, and you're trying so hard to stay awake and losing so badly. It’s awful and you're trapped, here again, unable to leave. But then through the sound of thunder and screaming, you hear it. “John, it’s okay I didn’t die.” It’s your dad, not your dead one but your living on one that your one the phone with. He continues, “That sounds like a truly awful dream, but it didn’t happen. I am sitting in the living room right now only a handful of miles away from you.” You lost your father ten years ago on the battlefield to Jack Noir. But you guess you were always promised an award from Sburb. You guess you finally got yours, just took a bit longer than everyone else. “This dream business seems to have messed you up pretty bad. If you would like me to, son, I could come down Friday evening to see you over the weekend.” You feel the wound Jack gave you as you stand up and look at your father’s corpse for the last time. Then you leave the battlefield, you leave the blackout zone, you leave Sburb, and find yourself in a nice apartment in Seattle, only a handful of miles away from your father. “Ya, dad I would like that a lot.”

“Alright well, I need to go, I can smell one of the cakes I was baking starting to burn. Sometimes those recipes online give such bad instructions. But I will see you on Friday ok son? I love you.”

“Ok dad, I love you too.” It feels like the best set of words you have ever spoken.

You hang up the call.

You feel like crying, so you do.

\--------

The elevator opens, everyone else heads to the right. You instead take a left. You guess you're just cool and different like that. Haha, the irony. Actually, you don’t think that's ironic but whatever. 

You start walking down the long pure white hallway, almost gliding like some kind of ghost. You have been to many uncomfortable places in your life but this one is the worst. John would probably tell you that it feels like that because you connect it to the idea of failure. You guess you do really, no matter how many times John tells you, you know you could have stopped her if you were here.

You take a left and get to the double doors that lead to the wing Jade is in. Next to the doors is a little buzzer communication thing. A telecom? Nah that doesn’t sound right, fuck you don’t remember what they are called. You are going to have to look it up later. 

You press the button on the device. Then out of the speaker you hear the voice of a lady you have heard a thousand times. She says “Hello this is Stela, how can I help you?” Just like every time you have been here. So you say back “Hey, this Dave Strider, here to see Jade Harly,” there is a pause and you count the seconds. About 0:00:00:00:01:56 which is in fact a new record for Stela. Her voice comes back over the speaker “Alright Mister Strider I believe you know where to go by now. Have a nice visit.”

There is a buzzing sound and the big double doors unlock. You open them and slip through into a somehow even whiter hallway. How do they even do that, it feels like you have seen the whitest white, and then bam an even whiter white appears out of nowhere. Whoever is inventing these new paints needs a raise. 

You walk down the hall until you get to room 704. You don’t knock, just open the door and slip in, Jade should know you would be here. You're always here even when you don’t have the time to be.

The room is small, only having a bed, desk, chair, and dresser. It makes you feel cramped and small, you have no idea how Jade keeps herself sane in a place like this. Let alone doing so for almost five years now, but soon it’s all going to be over.

Jade is sitting at the desk in the room, she is sculpting something. It has been her only way of expressing herself since she got here. She obviously couldn’t have her bass. She had some drawing stuff for a little while, but as she told you one day while crying her eyes out, that after she gave a pencil to another patient who tried to stab themself they took that away too. So now all she has is a nontoxic, easy mold clay. If you’re honest, even though you have all kinds of her sculptures in your room, she is terrible at it. 

You tilt your self around her and look at what she is making. You think it might be a horse. You can’t tell and never have really been able to.

You clear your voice and say, “Nice, I think it might be your best one yet.” 

Jade jumps at your voice and yells “Holy Shit!” 

She whips herself around and stares at you. Her big green eyes are filled with a mix of shock, anger, and delight. You guess you should have knocked. 

“Jeez Dave, you have to let me know you're here. I almost died of a heart attack,” she seems to calm down and shifts herself to your direction fully. 

You stride over and sit down on her bed. “Sorry Jade, I just assumed you would use your superhuman amazon women senses and detect my presence,” you say jokingly. 

She beams at you in a way she can only pull off. “Pff ya right Dave, your Texas ninja skills are just too strong. They go past my jungle senses. Really though Dave I knew you would be here I just didn’t look at the clock.” As cramped as it is you feel comfortable here, you know it’s all Jades doing, she makes the cramped space feel big. But even if you feel better here you can tell it’s wearing her down. 

“If you're not paying attention to the clock, then I guess you aren’t paying attention to the calendar either.” You take in a deep breath and smell the staleness of the room. You kind of wish John had come down with you today. Then you could check in on both of them at once.

She snorts in an amazing dorky way, “Of course I am, how could I not be counting down the days. I get to finally leave in just six more days. I almost want to start packing my stuff but I am going to wait till Tuesday.” 

That’s not what you were talking about. But it’s a good topic to move over too. “Yup five long years of silence, but watch out world Jade Harly is hitting the scene again. Going to go out there and topple governments and make the men and women swoon. Coming to you, live, this Friday from Tacoma Washington. Some people are the talk of the town but she's the talk of the universe.” You stretch the syllabus in ‘universe’ to make it sound all wavy.

Jade starts cracking up, and you smile. You come here for this, and if you had to, you would walk all the way from Texas to see her. John and Jade are the only friends you have and you aren't going to let either of them go. 

Time ticks away.

You talk about other things.

…

…

…

  
  


You are walking up the stairs towards your apartment when you smell it. It’s a smell you haven’t smelt in six years. It’s a smell you tried to scrub out of your life and yourself, 5 years ago when you realized that everything around you still had the scent soaked into it. It’s the smell of Doritos, orange soda, and motor oil. It’s the smell of him.

A long time ago you would have panicked, but today you are fucking pissed. 

Time ticks, a heart thumps

Your sword is in your hand.

You see him before he sees you. 

You flash step up to him and swing your sword. Just as fast as you cleared the hall towards him, he has his blade out and blocks. Just for a second, you are closer to him than you ever wanted to be. His triangle sunglasses reflect your angry gritted face right back at you. It’s a better sight, in your mind than what they used to reflect. 

Then the moment is over, and out of his mouth escape a set of words, you almost don’t hear. 

His voice is a whisper. Completely cracked and dry, due to either a lack of water, a lack of speaking, or both. Even though this you can still make out what it is that he said. “Where is he?” 

You kick the motherfucker in the chest.

“What the fuck are you doing here? Actually, no fuck that I don’t care why you are here you need to fucking leave Bro, because if you don’t you’re going to be dead I am going to be in jail!”

He is laying on the ground. For some reason, he didn’t seem to feel the need to get up and that makes you even madder.

He speaks again, his voice is still rough but he has more volume this time around. More importantly, it’s the same stupid question again. “Where is he?”

You yell back at him, “Who the fuck is “he” and why the fuck should I care, you piece of human garbage!” the difference in volume between the two of you could probably charge a cell phone. 

He doesn’t answer and you just stare him down. He has changed, in ways you didn’t notice at first. His once clean-shaven face and well-kept hair have turned into a coarse-looking mess and a wild mane respectively. The types of clothes he wears are the same but have now become dirty, unkept, and unwashed. He has added something new to his constant outfit, a backpack that seems to be stuffed with something, and a cardboard sign hanging off it that says “anything helps.” 

You don’t have time to fucking care about the guy, you just want him gone. His problems are his problems now. With no answer from him, you open your mouth and start yelling again. “I don’t know if you fucking paid attention to the first thing I said to you, but you need to fucking leave, Now!” you point your sword at him, “You leave or my sword is going in your ribcage again.”

You can’t see what his eyes are doing behind his shades, but you hope they are panicked and scared. You know they aren’t when he just says “later then I guess.”

Then he is up and gone out of the hallway, down the stairs, out the door. You stand there listening to each step so that if he fails any one of them you can attack him. When he is gone, so is your sword. You look around the hallway, no one has come out of their apartments to figure out who was yelling and what was going on. You flesh step to your door and get it open and closed faster than anyone can come out and check.

This is where you mentally check out for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I probably don't need to explain why I disappeared. 2020 was a hard year for everyone. In my case though I had to make some hard life decisions soon after posting chapter one. Because of that I completely forgot that I was even writing this till I got an email from A03 telling me someone left a comment. So I looked through my docs and found I had half of this written. I ended up finishing it over Christmas. I can't promise I will have more chapters in the near future, but I will promise that I will finish this fic even if it takes me nine more years. So I will be around, be it in weeks, months, or maybe another year.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright well that's it for now. I will try and have another chapter out in about a week or so. If people aren't interested I will just leave it here, so leave Kudos and comments if you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Also sorry if I got anyone sad. I was trying but like I said I don't have a lot of experience with writing beyond school stuff so I don't even know if it is within my ability to make someone sad.


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